


The breaking table

by Majestic_Moonwolf



Series: SamHill one-shots [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, How I Met Your Mother References, The Naked Man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:47:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22348180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Majestic_Moonwolf/pseuds/Majestic_Moonwolf
Summary: Sam tries out a trick he saw on TV, but it's not going as well as he had hoped
Relationships: Maria Hill/Sam Wilson
Series: SamHill one-shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1608697
Kudos: 5





	The breaking table

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever one-shot, so please don't judge... thanks.

Sam

Do you ever have those moments where you think you have a good idea but eventually it turns out that it was actually a terrible idea? Of course you do, everyone has those from time to time. If you say you don’t you’re a little lair, like Bucky, Bucky is a little lair and a little shit, but that’s off topic. In my case, I had one when Maria and I had been dating for about half a year and I wanted things to move, you know, forward a little bit, cause, that’s what a relationship’s supposed to do, right, move forward? So, when I had a day off and she was at work I decided to go to her apartment, using the key she gave me to get in. There I tried to think of a way to, you know, set the mood for an amazing night full of pleasure. When you’re lucky, those kind of things go as you planned. You do what you planned, the woman falls for it, you start making out, some kissing, some touching, maybe some dry humping, and then you get it on for real. You know, full on naked action. That’s not at all how that night went. This is how it did go, and I’m not very proud of it… and that might just be an understatement.  


I got there, opened the door and all, and as I walked in I saw this table, that would be in full view of whoever was standing in the doorway. And my first thought was: That’s perfect. Let me thing of something I could do with that table. So, me, being the romantic man I am, bought rose petals and romantic rose scented candles to set on the table, have I mentioned that Maria likes roses? Not yet? Well, then you know now, Maria Hill likes roses, especially the red ones, and with that I mean the dark red ones. Maria just likes dark red in general, she also looks really good in it, but that’s not the point right now. Doesn’t sound all that bad, right? It sounds quite romantic even, with all the rose stuff, some nice light that could set the mood. Yeah, well just wait till you hear the rest. You’ll laugh.  


The rest of my idea was… less romantic. I got it from a TV show called How I Met Your Mother, in which there is a character that looks suspiciously much like Maria called Robin Scherbatsky, she’s a Canadian news reporter who moved to America and who gets mocked a lot for being Canadian, yeah, American humor is weird, I still think it’s actually her in disguise, you know, that it was for some sort of mission but that she didn’t know the show was going to be that successful and that she got stuck with the role for nine years. Anyway, that’s not relevant, cause I was about to try out one of the tricks shown on the show. This trick was called The Naked Man. Yes, that trick is exactly what you think it is. It’s a man trying to seduce a woman by being naked. You know, undressing and getting in a pose when they’re not there, and then the woman walks in and BOOM! Naked man! Yeah, it sounds ridiculous, I know, but, sometimes men like to try ridiculous things. And according to the show it works two out of three times. Golden tip, don’t ever listen to a TV show, TV shows can lie. Always think before you do something you saw on a TV show. Always ask yourself, “Is this a reliable source?”. If not, don’t do the thing. Also, think before you put candles somewhere. Don’t set them down at random, you might just some to regret it. Anyway, my idea was to put myself on that table as if to say, “Look at me babe, I’m the main course tonight, dig in.”.  


So, I was there, in Maria’s apartment, undressing myself, struggling a little with it cause I was so excited about trying to pull off this really dumb move that it was almost ridiculous, hoping she wouldn’t get off work early. Of course, knowing Pepper, Maria’s boss the chance that she would get off work late was much bigger, I mean, it had happened many times before, like it happens pretty much twice a week that Maria comes home after ten, but, that day I was “lucky”. If that’s what you could have called it. Because my plan, as it turned out, was a really stupid plan and would not go according to plan at all, wow, how many times can you put the word plan in one sentence, huh? Turns out it’s a lot. Anyway, I was lying there, on the table, in my full naked manly glory, making sure she’d have a good view of my little friend, oh well… I honestly wouldn’t call it little, I mean, it’s little in comparison to me, like a cat is in comparison to a human, but… it wasn’t really a little “little friend”. And then the door opened and she walked in, well… actually she stopped in her tracks when she saw me, looking at me with surprise on her face, and for about a minute I really thought everything was going to work out just as I had planned it. Turns out that was the biggest lie I had ever told myself, because soon, things were about to go wrong. Very very wrong. Like painfully wrong… for me at least, for Maria, not so much, she actually got quite lucky. Or a lot luckier than me at least, that’s for sure. I just got pain, in very bad places.

Maria

Imagine this, you just get home from a long and quite hard and tiring day at work, and then suddenly there’s a naked man, who just so happens to be your boyfriend, lying on your table, you know, the table off of which you eat your breakfast and your dinner, and he’s lying there with his junk out in plain view, looking hard as a pole surrounded by candles and rose petals. I can tell you, that’s a really weird situation, at first there’s a lot of surprise cause well, you don’t expect it, then you wonder “When was the last time you took a shower? Cause I eat off that table and I sure do hope you’re at least clean enough to lay on my table naked… Even though it’s not hygienic at all”. And then there’s just confusion, and you’re like: “Why?”. Okay, I’m not gonna lie, I did like the way he looked and he would have made for a great “dinner” or maybe more of a “snack” if you know what I mean, but still, it was a little weird, not uncomfortable weird, even though I hadn’t seen him naked before, I have to admit I had thought about it, so no, it wasn’t awkward weird, but more, “Dude, why are you on my table like that?” weird. I guess that’s a normal reaction to finding your boyfriend laying on your table naked.  


And then, sadly, it got even weirder, yeah, that was still possible, never say something can’t get weirder, because, believe me, if you say that, things will immediately get weirder, no matter how weird they already are, don’t ever challenge fate like that, you’ll regret it. And, maybe things also got a little funnier, but it’s actually kinda mean to say that or maybe even a little more than a little mean, so please don’t ever tell him I said that, okay? Thanks. He was laying there in his full naked glory, posing seductively, and well, it worked, I mean, the sight of him lying there like that was quite arousing, and I have to admit, I might have gotten a little wet over it, and I might have dreamed of it after but then it all went wrong. And with wrong I mean very badly wrong, like, not just a little, but, well, you get it. He opened his mouth, said “Hey bab-,” and then there was a really loud noise as the table broke. Seriously, if that hadn’t happened his plan would have worked and we’d… uh, nevermind, broken table, nothing interesting happened besides that. Good thing it was an old table. Also, we were lucky that the candles were snuffed out by the movement of the falling table, otherwise we would have had a lot more trouble. Especially Sam, since he would have had to leave my apartment naked, not that I would have minded that, I just don’t think my neighbors would have appreciated it. Especially not the sweet old lady I live next to who’s about the age of Steve Rogers. Okay, maybe a few years younger, like twenty-five years or something, but when it comes to old people age gaps seem to become smaller and smaller because it’s … I don’t know, I’ll get back to this when I’m old myself, but she was old, that’s what matters, she still is by the way, my neighbor is still alive, don’t worry.  


He laid there, on the floor, covered in table, rose petals and wax. That is a very weird sentence and no, it did not sound better in my head. I was still standing in the doorway, raising one eyebrow and judging him. “Don’t just stand there and judge me, I’m in pain!” “You should have thought about that before you broke my table.” “How could I have known it was gonna break?” I shrugged, “You couldn’t.” “Then don’t just stand there and judge me! Some help would be nice.”  
I rolled my eyes as I walked over to him to help him get out of the table, okay, that’s not the right phrase, but it sounds kinda hilarious. Anyway, I got the table off of him and helped him up. “Sam, what the hell were you thinking?” “Well… uh… I wanted… to try to move things forward a little,” he said while looking at his feet. “And, this is how you wanted to do that?” “Well, not like this, no.” “Yeah, I get that. But, you really thought lying on a table with your dick next to a candle would be a good idea, because now we’re definitely not moving forward for a while.” “Yeah… that’s a bummer.” “Where did you even get the idea of… don’t tell me you got this from How I Met Your Mother.” He smiled at me sheepishly. “Dear God, Sam.” “Hey, they say it works two out of three times.” “It’s a TV show, Sam, whatever they say is not always the truth.” “Yeah, yeah, I know… I just… hoped it would work… for me…” I rolled my eyes, “Well, it did, until you broke my table that is.” “Wait, really?” “Yeah, now we need to get you dressed cause you need to see a doctor… you idiot.” “Why?” “Why? Because you had candles and pieces of table falling on you, that’s why!”  


Just… just try to imagine that happening to you, okay? Cause… well, it’s weirdly hilarious and it really makes you wonder what the fuck the other person was thinking when they set up their plan? Did they really think putting a candle there was a good idea? Seriously, had he just put them down randomly? Men, sometimes they really are stupid. It’s moments like this that remind you as to why women tend to live longer. 

Sam 

Getting dressed after falling through a table is as hard as it sounds and I was lucky to have Maria helping me and getting some of the wax off of me, no matter how awkward it was. “Hey, uh… thanks for helping me.” “That’s what girlfriends are for, right, or at least one of the things, helping their boyfriends out after they do something stupid.” “Yeah… stupid words huh? Boyfriend and girlfriend… it sounds so immature.” She nodded, “Yeah, it does.” “We could just say… partners?” “That would confuse people. Are we a couple? Do we have a business together? Do we commit crimes together? I like it.” “You do?” I asked. “Yeah, now hold still so I can get the wax off your dick.” “That sentence sounds really bad.” “Yeah, I never thought I’d have to say that either.”  


When I was wax free we went to the hospital, where the situation was about to get even worse, because how was I going to explain the burns on my dick without telling the doctor what I was doing and why I was doing it? I sighed. “What’s wrong?” Maria asked. “Well… I’m gonna have to explain that I got my dick burned by getting it too close to a candle cause I was trying to seduce you, that’s what’s wrong.” She smiled, “I’m pretty sure the doctor’s heard worse?” “You think?” “Yeah, I do. I mean, people are weird.” “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” “Of course I am.” “Really?” “Yeah, really?”  


As it turned out, she was right. Sure the doctor found it an amusing story, but he did his work professionally, he prescribed me two kinds of salve, one specially for my “cock burn” as Maria called it. She took to calling that salve “cock salve” too and for some reason she liked to ask me if I had slaved my cock yet, at least four times a day for two weeks. Yeah, she’s weird like that, but I like it. Anyway, the doctor also put a cast on my left arm cause I broke it during my “table tumble”. Yeah, that’s also one of Maria’s phrases.  


“Well, no superheroing for you for at least six weeks now, huh?” She said as we were driving back home to her apartment. “Yeah, my bad.” “And I need a new table.” “Also my bad, but, it gives us a good reason to order Chinese and sit on the couch while watching TV.” “Yeah, we could do that. Wanna see what’s on Netflix?” “Yeah, sure, as long as it isn’t How I Met you Mother.” She laughed, “Not happy that the Naked Man didn’t work out the way you wanted it to work out?” “How’d you guess?” “By looking at your face, oh, and by having to clean candle wax off of you.” “I bet the candle wax gave it away more than my face.” “Hmm, that and the screams when the wax dripped on you.” “Okay, yeah, that’s enough. I’m lucky it cools down quite quickly when it touches skin.” “Yeah, you’re also lucky you didn’t set my apartment on fire.” “Yeah, I’m glad I didn’t.” “So, Netflix and Chinese?” I smiled, “Yeah, Netflix and Chinese.” Thinking back on it I really wish Netflix and Chinese had been my original plan. I could have just put on a romantic movie and we might have started to kiss, and then make out and then… well, you get it. That really would have been a lot better, and we could have had fun in the six weeks that followed. Now my stupid broken arm and my stupid cock burn and other burns all had to heal. Stupid candles. 

Maria

He was looking kinda sad, even after I ordered the Chinese. “Hey, you okay?” I asked. “Yeah… I’m just… not really happy that it didn’t work.” I chuckled, “Well, like I said, if you hadn’t fallen through my table.” “You meant that?” “Yeah…” I looked down at my feet for a second, then I looked back up again, “You’re quite attractive to me, Sam.” He smiled, “Well, I’m happy to hear that.” “But, next time you try to pull of the Naked Man, no candles, okay? And try not to break anything.” “Are you saying you wouldn’t mind me trying it again?” “Yeah, I wouldn’t.” “Hmm… Damn, if only I had planned this differently, huh?” I smiled, “Yeah, if only. Uh… what are we going to tell the Avengers? About how you broke your arm I mean?” “Oh… I hadn’t thought about that yet.” “Doesn’t matter, I’ll think of something. Let’s just wait for our food and see what’s on Netflix.”  


Our food arrived quickly enough, and as usual we had trouble picking something to watch while browsing Netflix, so, if you don’t count what had happened with Sam and the table, it was quite a normal day. Eventually we ended up picking the Hunger Games, just as our food got delivered. We ate, while watching, and then we carefully cuddled up to each other when we were done eating to continue watching. That was nice.  


“Hey, Mar?” “Hmmmm?” “Would this have worked on you too? The old Netflix and chill move?” “Yeah… maybe.” “I really am an idiot, huh?” “Only sometimes, nut I have to admit, I kinda like that.” “Really?” “Yes, it can be endearing.” “Me, endearing?” “That’s what I said, right?” “Yeah, it is.” “Good, now please shut up, cuddle me, and watch the movie.” I felt him shaking with silent laughter. “Yes, ma’am,” he whispered.  


The next morning we woke up laying on the couch, cuddled up together. We even got a lovely and very thoughtful, “Are you still watching?” message from Netflix on our screen. “Good morning babe,” Sam said and he kissed me on my forehead. “Good morning,” I replied, and I kissed him on his mouth. “Hmmm… that’s nice,” he murmured, still sounding a little sleepy. “Is it now?” “Yeah, very nice. You taste good.” I rolled my eyes, “Wow, take it down a notch, Romeo.” “I know you’re being sarcastic.” “Good.” “What do you think of breakfast?” “That sounds like a great idea.” “Wanna see me bake pancakes with one arm?” “That sounds like a horrible idea.” “The pancakes?” “No, the one arm part.” “Ah, yes, of course, my oops.” “Now I know you’re being sarcastic.” “Good.” I rolled my eyes, “Anyway, you want pancakes?” “Yeah, I do.” “Guess I’ll have to make pancakes then.” “I can help.” “Making pancakes isn’t all that hard, I don’t need help, besides, I wanna do something nice for you after what happened yesterday.” “That’s… that’s nice of you.” “Yeah, quite the surprise huh? I can be nice.” “Wouldn’t call that much of a surprise, but whatever floats your goats.” “Don’t you mean, “Whatever floats your boats”?” “Nope, that Parker kid once sent me a picture of some floating goats that said, whatever floats your goats and now I just keep saying that because it reminds me of sweet little floating goats.” “I guess that explains why Romanoff says it as well.” I sighed, “Parker is weird.” “Yeah, he is.” I stood up, kissed him on his forehead and walked off. “Anyway, pancakes.”


End file.
